Turn Loose the Horses

Monica Vlna was laid to rest today at the Strongsville Cemetary.  A sunny breezy day brought her friends and family to the graveside.  After the Priest said his words he said "Monica wanted this music played".
This was chosen by her daughter Dawn.  The ironic thing is this:  Her horses are always getting loose.  Sarah, Kevin amd Kelly were always looking out the windows and saying "Monica and Mark's horses are loose again".

The thing about the funeral that brought a lump to my throat and the tears to my eyes  was when someone brought a saddle rack, Monica's western saddle and her boots and placed them at the head of the casket.

It does'nt get much more poignant than that.

"Turn Loose The Horses"

I look down that winding road

I needed rest and a place to go

Sick and tired of running round

Flying high and falling down

I'm gonna leave these blues behind

For some other fool to find

He won't care and I won't mind

I can't lose what was not mine



Turn loose all the horses and watch them run

Take time to take in the setting sun

Throw back a keeper just to watch them swim

Forgive your enemies and love your friends



Life goes wrong it feels like too much bang

Surely broken hearts are gonna love again

I guess if your heart's torn around the seams

Just think about your favorite pair of faded blue jeans

And on and on about the things gone wrong

Every day it feels like the same old song

Poor tortured souls trying to pay their dues

But life's no fun when dreams don't come true



Turn loose all the horses and watch them run

Take time to take in the setting sun

Throw back a keeper just to watch him swim

Forgive your enemies and love your friends



Turn loose all the horses and watch them run

Take time to take in the setting sun

Throw back a keeper just to watch him swim

Forgive your enemies and love your friends

Talk is cheap and other bargains

I have been holding my thoughts and feelings in since I had my "episode".  I haven't talked about the fears, the stress, the anxiety, the embarressment, and the anger. Yes I am angry that this happened to me.  I am angry that it has made me afraid to live and afraid to die.

Yesterday was the day...finally I was at the end of my last nerve.  I did not realize that I have been testy, snappy, sullen or silent.  Apparently, I have been the only person to "not know".  Have you walked the other way when you saw me coming?  If so, I apologize. 

If I tell you I am afraid...afraid when my heart races a bit, or starts to pound a little, afraid to go to sleep for fear I won't ever wake up, afraid to eat what is not "on the list" of things that are fat free, salt free, caffeine free or cholesterol free, afraid to exert myself, walk faster or even run, afraid that I didn't take the pills when I should that another attack would happen.  I am just plain afraid. 

My fear my seem irrational to all of you, but it is very real to me. What if?  What if indeed.  If I talked about my fears and my inability to have the stamina to go the whole day without sitting down and resting I felt like I was growing old at such a rapid pace that you all would put me in a "home".  Again, rational not, irrational perhaps, but the old adage "perception is reality" is what it is.

I know this is a "ramble" for a blog, but I am finally letting my guard down.  Monday I meet my new cardiologist and I hope to have answers to unasked questions.  There are way more fears going through my brain that I won't mention now, but you all get the drift.

I realized that the "Going Home"  instructions, like when I had babies, were a little sparse, like "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water" comment.  I wasn't told what I could and should or could not and should not do.  At least I don't remember.  I have read the brochures and pamphlets and still don't know.  Can I take a pain pill like Advil, Motron, Tylenol or not.  The prescription pamphlets are filled with "Danger and side effects" and they scare the crap out of me.  The bruising is painfull yet to be expected, I know, but how much is normal and when should I be concerned.

I don't ask questions of "Professionals" especially Drs.  They are the experts and if I needed to know something I assumed they would tell me.  The instructions "If you miss one Plavax, you will have another heart attack and we don't know if we will be able to save you" was the only instruction I remember. 
That put the fear of God into me.  So, I guess I will take a list of questions to the Dr. on Monday, because I won't ask otherwise.

I have not run my vacuum cleaner for two weeks.  The guilt alone of that non-act should put me in a coma.  My house looks like goats live here and quite frankly even though it bothers me a lot, I can't make myself do anything about it.  I have discovered "Wonder Woman" I am not.  That realization has me in a tailspin too!

I think I will change the name of my blog to "The Ravings of a Mad Housewife", or has that title been taken?

Thank you to Ellen, Sarah and Stephanie.  I really needed to talk about what is going through my brain and you all made me feel less ashamed for being cranky.  The meds added to the fear do not a pleasant cocktail make!

"Welcome Back...

.......Kotter", should be the title of this post.  I attended a fund raiser last night at the Eagles in Medina.

Realtor Political Action Committee puts on this fundraising dinner and live auction every year.

I have attended every event since I became a realtor 25 years ago.

Last night's function had a Pirate Theme (as opposed to the Margaritaville theme it has had for so many years.  Committee members came dressed as Pirates, but no Johnny Depp look- a- likes.  The food was good and it was catered by Terry Jones of Eileen's Catering (no more Eileen's Cafe and Catering, she sold the cafe) anyway, it was totally amazing to me that people came up to me and said "I just heard you had a heart attack, How are you?"

In Facebook, Texting etc vernacular...OMG!

I could not believe such a volume of people would come up and hug me, say they were so glad to see me, ask me how I was feeling, and on and on.  My friend Anita who also had her heart attack a week after me was there with her husband Russ and she and I felt like we truly mattered to people.

It was a very humbling experience.  Very humbling.  People I have known over the years who are professionals and who I have a professional relationship with, were just "gushy".

Unbelievable really.  I was very, very touched and thinking to myself.  "Glad to see you too....really!"

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back.