I have been holding my thoughts and feelings in since I had my "episode". I haven't talked about the fears, the stress, the anxiety, the embarressment, and the anger. Yes I am angry that this happened to me. I am angry that it has made me afraid to live and afraid to die.
Yesterday was the day...finally I was at the end of my last nerve. I did not realize that I have been testy, snappy, sullen or silent. Apparently, I have been the only person to "not know". Have you walked the other way when you saw me coming? If so, I apologize.
If I tell you I am afraid...afraid when my heart races a bit, or starts to pound a little, afraid to go to sleep for fear I won't ever wake up, afraid to eat what is not "on the list" of things that are fat free, salt free, caffeine free or cholesterol free, afraid to exert myself, walk faster or even run, afraid that I didn't take the pills when I should that another attack would happen. I am just plain afraid.
My fear my seem irrational to all of you, but it is very real to me. What if? What if indeed. If I talked about my fears and my inability to have the stamina to go the whole day without sitting down and resting I felt like I was growing old at such a rapid pace that you all would put me in a "home". Again, rational not, irrational perhaps, but the old adage "perception is reality" is what it is.
I know this is a "ramble" for a blog, but I am finally letting my guard down. Monday I meet my new cardiologist and I hope to have answers to unasked questions. There are way more fears going through my brain that I won't mention now, but you all get the drift.
I realized that the "Going Home" instructions, like when I had babies, were a little sparse, like "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water" comment. I wasn't told what I could and should or could not and should not do. At least I don't remember. I have read the brochures and pamphlets and still don't know. Can I take a pain pill like Advil, Motron, Tylenol or not. The prescription pamphlets are filled with "Danger and side effects" and they scare the crap out of me. The bruising is painfull yet to be expected, I know, but how much is normal and when should I be concerned.
I don't ask questions of "Professionals" especially Drs. They are the experts and if I needed to know something I assumed they would tell me. The instructions "If you miss one Plavax, you will have another heart attack and we don't know if we will be able to save you" was the only instruction I remember.
That put the fear of God into me. So, I guess I will take a list of questions to the Dr. on Monday, because I won't ask otherwise.
I have not run my vacuum cleaner for two weeks. The guilt alone of that non-act should put me in a coma. My house looks like goats live here and quite frankly even though it bothers me a lot, I can't make myself do anything about it. I have discovered "Wonder Woman" I am not. That realization has me in a tailspin too!
I think I will change the name of my blog to "The Ravings of a Mad Housewife", or has that title been taken?
Thank you to Ellen, Sarah and Stephanie. I really needed to talk about what is going through my brain and you all made me feel less ashamed for being cranky. The meds added to the fear do not a pleasant cocktail make!
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2 comments:
What you don't seem to realize yet is that nothing has changed, except for the better. You're still you, the people who love you are still here, and thanks to medical science YOU are still here and will be for a very long time.
A good friend of mine, exactly your age, had the procedure you had on Friday of last week and is putting in his garden this week.
You're better. Not worse.
So glad you're seeing the doctor. He'll tell you -- believe him.
xoxo
Great blog post!! You've covered pretty much everything that most of us were probably wondering, and that's a good thing. I'm sure I'd be mad if this happened to me too!
Nobody is a better expert on YOUR body than the person who's been living in it from the beginning. That's you. So you do have a right to challenge any and all doctors, even the very best professionals. It's your right &responsibility to ask questions, get answers & clarification, in lay terms about everything around your treatment.
In Canada, there have been so many close calls & deadly mistakes, wrong prescriptions, drug/dosage mix ups, allergic reactions, side effects, outright incompetence or malpractice. So doctors simply cannot be absolute authorities on everything anymore. Many in the medical profession even advise us to get or be an advocate for our own health & well being now.
No need to apologize for any rambling, as this is YOUR blog. I think most of us love to read whatever you're writing about, especially thru-out this ordeal, your personal thoughts & opinions, uncensored. Free speech is the first amendment, after all.
I have been reading Behind The Eightball, over the phone to my mother Dene at the Senior Care Centre and she has been rapt with attention! We're feeling a lot better, with each one you write as you share this journey! One trial after another and you've been a super trooper thru it all.
Being human, most of us understand that this can't be much fun. So you can be forgiven for each of those feelings & scarey stages. The good, the bad and even the ugly. Personally, I'm glad to know you're a "human bean" like the rest of us, not an alien or Super Hero who has to spend so much time fighting crime, instead of more time here with us, after listening to that still, quiet inner voice. It's probably saying "Time for a long overdue, well deserved break now!" You are blessed! xXx
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